Tuesday, September 14, 2010

An open letter to Mother Nature

Dear Mother Nature,

Why do you hate me? First is was those effing squirrels playing chicken with me, then it was that USMA (Unidentifiable Small Animal), and now you have resorted to using your army of Kamikaze ants to attack me.

While I'm sure that training these ants to jump off tall weeds and onto my legs is no small feat, I'd really rather they didn't. I now have a trail of ant bites on my shin. As we all know, one of the reasons to run is to have great legs. Now, I just look like a post chicken pock victim.

I recycle. I reuse. I occasionally car-pool. I even wash the plastic silverware I use at work instead of throwing it away! What gives?

I hope you aren't still pissed at all that AquaNet I used for my sweet teased bangs in middle school. I stopped that long ago and switched to the stupid non-aerosol hairspray that gets all stopped up and sticky. Just for you! In fact, I even made my poor mother create a compost heap in our front yard to be more environmentally friendly.

Alas, I wish we could have a cease fire Mother Nature. I sincerely apologize for any wrong doing and wish we could go back to being friends. After all, I probably spend more time outdoors than all non-runners that I know. And that means, I am out there, enjoying your splendor.

Please call off the Kamikaze ants, the effing squirrels, and the USMAs. Can't we all just get along?


B.o.B., Nature Lover
(Well, nature appreciator, I won't get too far ahead of myself here.)


Quinton J said...

LOL...if the ants can get you...you're not running fast enough.

JoannaRuns said...

I like that the compost heap was in the *front* yard. Not hidden out back. oh no. :) Anyway, thanks for making me smile this morning! And good luck with the ants.

Shannon said...

Yikes - I hate ant bites!!!

Emz said...

I love this post.

treadmill = one
outdoors = zero.


Jess said...

Hilarious!! Damn ant bites. I hate those and mosquito bites too!

Katie A. said...

Back when I worked in an office, I was the crazy recycle lady that wnet through everyone's garbage cans and brought it home with me to recycle since we didn't have it there! LOL!
Hope those damn ants get the message - sheesh!

And congrats on finishing your 18 miler strong - you are so ready!

Viper said...

I have always counted myself lucky to avoid bug issues on the run. I never used AquaNet. Good luck getting on Mother Nature's good side. Cheers!

Andrew Opala said...

Is this the one where you replaced the butter with margarine and got her angry?

lindsay said...

Perhaps she also doesn't like your hairballs clogging the Floridian waterways... I also like the location of the compost pile. You'd fit in well with my old neighbors-they kept the deep fryer in their front yard.

Spike said...

Perhaps she isn't too thrilled with all of your snot-rockets. Just saying.

Black Knight said...

Great post and I am with quinton, if the ants can get you, you have to run faster!

Jamoosh said...

Mother Nature is much like The Beer Gods, simple actions such as recycling are not enough. Sacrifices must be made.